Those Who Cannot Do...

Teach!  After a busy yet fun weekend, I completed my Power Point presentation for Monday's class.  Although I feel overwhelmed, stressed, and moderately anxious and/or depressed about my full-time gig, I feel a certain energy when I prepare for and teach my class.  There is something about finding ways to engage my students which makes me happy beyond words.  Sadly, this is a one time, one semester opportunity at this point.  However, I am in search of more.  A posting for a position which seems to be right up my alley is still there.  I applied while I was overseas but I never finished my application packet.  Yes, I know there a few of you reading who might have words for me.  Have we met?  Girl who cannot finish a project?  Girl who is afraid to make a decision?  Girl who is terrified of change? 

Lately work in my "trained" profession is becoming draining and my focus is to the point where I do not trust myself.  I dream about packing up all of my personal items and never looking back.  I dream of ignoring phone calls, letters, and deadlines.  I dream.  And that is all there is: a dream.  Instead, I need to grab those metaphorical reigns and giddy-up.  Now that I have my first class almost under my belt and better ideas about what works for me as a teacher, gawd I love that word to describer me, I feel like I can resubmit my application packet, in full, and perhaps get their attention.

And I need to stop being scared now.  Do I want to continue to be sad, afraid, and hopeless?  Hell no!
 I need to be happy, fearless, and hopeful.  Especially when I have the most darling little boy in my life who does not need his mama to be a grumpy gus.  He, no we deserve better. 

My goal for the end of this week will be to complete this application packet.  Unfortunately I have a lot of obligations, including finishing my course prep, going to the biggest collasol waste of time, and a creating my first examination.  But this is important stuff, folks.  And the time is now. 

Attitude Adjustment

After many years of being a pessimist and believing nothing positive can happen to me, I am starting to open my eyes to the possibility of goodness.  I think having a baby and watching him grow and learn about the world around me has been an eye opener and a lesson.  I need to see the good and believe in good.  So far, it seems to be working.  All of this might sound gushy and schmaltzy.  I know.  It totally does to me.  But I feel like if I can change the way I think, then I can change my life to achieve that wicked awesomeness that has been eluding me.  And I need to articulate my goals, make a plan to achieve them, and act on them.  Based on Maggie Mason's Life List, I am starting life's goals.  Some of my goals are grand, others small, and some might take a lifetime to achieve.  In no particular order, I give you my first five:

1. Achieve balance in my career.
2. Take a road trip to Zion, Arches, Canyonlands, and Bryce with my family.
3. Finish what I started.
4. Buy a great outfit at a thrift store.
5. Lose 37 pounds by my 37th birthday (9/13/11).

Packing

I spend entirely too much time complaining about the status quo, my status quo and yet I am doing nothing about it.  Day after day I daydream about the perfect job and the ultimate career/life/family balance.  In fact, I have a whole plan embedded in my brain.  Oh yeah.  It's serious.  Discussion after discussion with family and friends about what I want to do with my life occur day after day after day. 

And here I am, working at the same job having the same daydreams.

But there is more.  It's not just my career.  It's an overhaul of my attitude, my priorities, and most importantly, control over my journey. 

It's time to start packing my bags for my journey to that special place: Wicked.  Awesome.